7.27.05

I was recently interviewed by the local Magazine This Week in Cheese Technology and Stuff and Things…..and More!! Here is a complete transcript. I hope you find it overwhelmingly average. Bon Apetit!

TWiCTaSaT…aM!! - Chris, a lot has been said about your band Thousand Yard Stare and its music. In fact, The Weekly World News wrote, and I quote “Never has a band been so magically delicious.” While other publications like Extreme Quilting! state that when they listen to your self-titled EP they are reminded of the beauty and integrity that was such a huge part of the hallmark TV series “ Barney Miller” , season 3. Now, that obviously is high praise for such a young band. How do you react to this kind of acclaim?

Chris - Pues, cuando oigo algo asi…

TWiCTaSaT…aM!! - Excuse me Chris, in English please.

Chris -Oh…right. Uh, it…well…makes me want to do something weird like follow someone around in a rental car…I guess.  Over.

TWiCTaSaT…aM!!- That's, um, very interesting.

Chris - Well , maybe to some. Over

TWiCTaSaT…aM!! - Uh, Chris, you don't need to say “over” at the end of every statement.

Chris - Gotcha

TWiCTaSaT…aM!!- People have compared TYS to Lou Vega, Hall and Oats, KIX, Col. Sherman T. Potter from M*A*S*H, Geraldo Rivera, a Eucalyptus tree, a frozen burrito with green chile sauce and even Type 2 Diabetes. Any thoughts?

Chris - It's crazy huh? I mean just to be mentioned in the same sentence as Phil Donahue is just….

TWiCTaSaT…aM!! -. Actually Chris, I didn't mention Phil Donahue

Chris -Really?

TWiCTaSaT…aM!! –Really

Chris - ‘Cause I thought…

TWiCTaSaT…aM!! - No

Chris - I…I could've sworn that….

TwicTaSaT…aM!! –Nope

Chris - Hmmm…strange. Anyway, I loooove burritos.

(long moment of awkward silence)

TWiCTaSaT…aM!! -Moving on. Our planet is in great turmoil right now. War, famine, disease, pestilence and the decline of break dancing as an art. Political and religious contention is running rampant. Recent reports show that the majority of kids will grow to be very, very stupid. Dumb as rocks. I mean too dumb to even work a fork. We find ourselves, as humans, more out of balance than ever before. All this leads me to my next question: Chris, where is your favorite public restroom?

Chris - The Great Indoors in north Scottsdale. It's like a temple…with toilets.

TWiCTaSaT…aM!! – So eloquently stated .

Chris – Yeah! Uh huh! That's how I roll! Now let's get retarded in this hizz-ouse! Whoop! Whoop!

TWiCTaSaT…aM!! – For shizzle Chris, for shizzle .

For copies of this transcript please press “print”-

6.18.05

Le Gran Journal Entry  

Another journal entry from me, Chris. Whoopee. The following is a list of things that I have experienced in the last few months. Feel free to leave your clothes on while reading this.

1. Nick and I took our relationship to a whole new level; we talked about guitar amp tube replacement at great length. We are thinking of going in on a tube bias kit together. Nick and I are geeks.
2. I invented a great new word. “Pisswitch”. (It MUST be said in a British accent). It is used to express frustration. Here is an example of its usage: “I can't find my toothbrush. Oh pisswitch!!”
3. I finally met my real father. His name is Will Johnston. Helluva guy. Very kitchen savvy.
4. Performed my first open-heart operation. It was easier than I thought.
5. Tom and I discussed the problem with the globalization of modern industry. He felt it was a positive thing for companies to grow internationally and broaden relations  whereas I felt that too many third world countries, in particular Bangladesh and other Southeast Asian countries, were being taken advantage of. The discussion ended in with an all-out knife fight that left Tom with only one ear and I, myself, was rendered unable to procreate.
6. I circumnavigated the earth in a homemade dirigible fashioned out of panty hose and wax.
7. I read the entire table of contents in a book on space travel but found it to be too “wordy”.
8. I decided that I am just as annoyed by Tom Cruise as everyone else. However, I will still probably see War of the Worlds. Damn that Steven Spielberg and his Mexican counterpart Esteban Spielbergo!
9. I learned that Michael Jackson cannot be trusted with children. Actually, I don't think I could trust him with livestock either.
10. Finally, I realized that friends, family and fans of TYS are the best people in the world and that I am a huge kiss-ass.

Take it sleazy,

Chris-

12.17.04

You think you know me but you have no idea...This is the Diary of Chris Jensen.

Dec 16, 2004 (cue popular hip-hop music)

8:00 a.m. I am still asleep
9:00 a.m. I hit the snooze button for the 52nd time. 10:32a.m. I Inadvertently flip off a homeless who I believe to be a stalker. I feel bad so I give him some change.
11:18a.m. I spring forward and grab life by the horns.
11:19a.m. Realizing there is no point in trying, I give up.
12:42p.m. I watch two pigeons court each other. It stirs up emotions in me I have not felt since 'Nam.
2:27 p.m. I see the homeless man again...he will not fool me again.
3:33 p.m I do the mashed potato, I do the twist. I'll tell you baby, I like it like this.
4:18 p.m. I am not announced Snow King at work pageant. I weep like a little girl.
5:55 p.m. I decide to talk to my Doctor about letting me start a "forced menopause"by way of a very well structured process involving hormone-altering medications.
5:59p.m My Dr. tells me that only works on women, I immediately want a second opinion.
6:45p.m. I begin rocking and rolling with my fellow band mates.-

Oct 16 2004

Hello everybody and welcome to my first journal entry. I am kind of excited about this new forum, it allows me to talk about things that I love and hate. For example; I love people who don't feel it necessary to talk about their significant other ALL THE TIME. I also love the smell of pipe tobacco. Now, what I hate is the following: people who dress their pets up like humans. If you do this then you need to stop it now. Nobody thinks it's cute to dress up a Chihuahua like Santa Clause or a little canine golfer. It's perverted, that's right, perverted. I could go on for days about these sort of things. Anyway, the band seems to be doing well right now, or so I am told. It appears that there are people out there who think we are decent and I am pretty happy about that. It reminds me of that movie with that guy who did that thing. Priceless. Like Nick said in his post, we are in the process of recording some new tunes so we'll see how that goes. Hopefully our cover of "It's Raining Men" will live up to the hype. Keep your fingers crossed. I smell a hit.-